Refocus
My cold thing is now in my chest. I also had a rough day yesterday so I think I need to refocus this week to revolve on what I need to get well.
Mom did one of her hit and run numbers that shook me up so bad I had a full on panic attack and called Paul at work to come home and be with me because I couldn't stop shaking or crying. I missed work. And I can't remember the last time I felt awful. I still feel upset and like I want to throw up.
Flight or fight response. But there's nobody to fight, and I'm already home, so there's nowhere to flee toward.
The only good that came out of it was that I told Mom to cut it out and she apologized and said she realizes now that it was an imposition and an error in judgement.
She has a bad habit of dumping on me whenever Dad is gone after a recent Dad Episode because then she can have a chance at venting over the phone without him interrupting or overhearing. Great for her, sucks for me. Here I am living my own life in my own house that's pretty peachy keen and BAM! Emotional hit and run.
To make a long story short, my dad has PTSD. He also has low self esteem with poor emotional/impulse control. Either problem alone is bad enough but mix the two things together and it causes all kinds of ridiculous drama and inappropriate behaviour that he never acknowledges or apologizes for. It's just getting worse as he gets older and he's not especially cooperative about his therapy/medication.
I understand my mom's difficulties in living with a person with this disease, but she doesn't need me. She needs her own therapist and a hotline. Reliving every awful thing Dad does when he's in one of these fits may help her some venting wise, but it just burdens me with knowledge that I'm better off just not knowing.
It is pointless to recount it here. It's same old shit, different day. Blah.
Add a cold, my period, and a sick kid, and it jsut ugh all over. Blah. Blah.
Mom did one of her hit and run numbers that shook me up so bad I had a full on panic attack and called Paul at work to come home and be with me because I couldn't stop shaking or crying. I missed work. And I can't remember the last time I felt awful. I still feel upset and like I want to throw up.
Flight or fight response. But there's nobody to fight, and I'm already home, so there's nowhere to flee toward.
The only good that came out of it was that I told Mom to cut it out and she apologized and said she realizes now that it was an imposition and an error in judgement.
She has a bad habit of dumping on me whenever Dad is gone after a recent Dad Episode because then she can have a chance at venting over the phone without him interrupting or overhearing. Great for her, sucks for me. Here I am living my own life in my own house that's pretty peachy keen and BAM! Emotional hit and run.
When I was younger I used to yearn for the day I'd move out so I wouldn't have to live with this crap any more. (She used to dump on me at night before going to bed and then wonder why I couldn't sleep and I stayed up all night. )
"Mom, why on earth do you call me like this and bother telling me this crap? I can't do anything about it."
"Well, if something happens to me or Dad, then you will know."
"If something happens to you or Dad, you will be dead. And I can't do anything about that either. So why bother? Why do I have to know? All it does it make me upset, I end up crying and angry, and for nothing, since nothing changes."
To make a long story short, my dad has PTSD. He also has low self esteem with poor emotional/impulse control. Either problem alone is bad enough but mix the two things together and it causes all kinds of ridiculous drama and inappropriate behaviour that he never acknowledges or apologizes for. It's just getting worse as he gets older and he's not especially cooperative about his therapy/medication.
I understand my mom's difficulties in living with a person with this disease, but she doesn't need me. She needs her own therapist and a hotline. Reliving every awful thing Dad does when he's in one of these fits may help her some venting wise, but it just burdens me with knowledge that I'm better off just not knowing.
It is pointless to recount it here. It's same old shit, different day. Blah.
Add a cold, my period, and a sick kid, and it jsut ugh all over. Blah. Blah.
posted by Em at 8:31 AM
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