Sigh

My entire schedule is still all gone awry. 5 AM. I'm doing laundry. Because I can't sleep. And I have a long day ahead and I really do need to sleep. Ugh.

We had a nice visit with our friends Dean and Lara yesterday. That's always one of the few highlights to the madness I call a "holiday season." Friends at a similar point in life and with similar views on many things. They're always a pleasure to be around, and really, how many people in your life can you say that about? Not many.

So how come I can't seem to fill my lie with peopel like them instead of people who chronically irritate me?

When I went to see my family today Mom almost made me want to scream when she asked me what we were planning for Julia second birthday. I rather irritably told her, "I don't know. It's up to Paul, he's in charge."

"How come?"

"Because I've done all the holiday stuff and I'm TIRED."

"So why can't it just be family and a little cake or something?"

I glowered. "I don't want to talk about it now. I AM TIRED."

"Why don't you take a nap?"

Sometimes I think my mom just doesn't know when to call it quits. I didn't go over for kicks or naps. If I was going to nap, I'd leik to nap in my own bed. If I wanted to have kicks, I'd take Julia to the science center or to see daddy at work for lunch. And whiel sometimes i do enjoy visiting family, I'm burnt out on family right now so I go more for Julia to fool around with her grandparents than any pleasure of my own. So don't bug me!

I know she probably wants to be included and more a part of my life and I struggle to find the balance between including her just enough so she feels included, but not so much it is a drain on my energy or my sense of privacy.

It's funny how a kid redraws those lines for you. If you haven't already with marriage, having a child really hammers it home. That you have a new immediate family and the old one? Well, they're extended relatives now. And where you might realize this, they might not.

So questions they've grown used to asking while you were growing up are suddenly loaded and intrusive. "How are you doing? How was your day?"

I'm horny but too tired to do anything about it, Mom. My house is a pit after holiday neglect, and it pisses me off that I've got three more rounds of relative roulette to endure before I have permission to go back to my life as normal.

And basically that's what the holiday grinchiness for me stems from. Not enough holy time and too much silly stuff and what feels like forced family gaiety.

I'd like my 30th year to focus on mind, body, and spirit, and getting the three to work in harmony. Because there is no way I'm adding another child to the mix before I feel like I've got a grip on the life I'm leading now.